Inane Nighttime Ideas
by bones-angel
Summary: R/S. Sirius is trying to talk Remus into it, into playing his role for a bit, just so Harry would know about Certain Things in life. Though one thing leads to another. Set in OotP.


**Inane Night-time Ideas**

"Moony?"

'Hmm?"

"Has Harry had the Talk?"

That certainly startled him awake, for two uncomfortable reasons. Sirius was being fatherly, and proactive – that was one, and the second was that if he didn't handle this conversation as deftly as he should, without a doubt Sirius would shove him into Harry's room to Talk about it.

"Well, since you're the godfather, I suppose that's your job, isn't it?" He wasn't going to risk it with subtlety. Sirius never really was that quick with subtleties anyway. Best not to gamble his luck here.

"I suppose so." Sounded like he was in a thoughtful reverie. Probably formulating on a method to saddle it on him, of course.

"I suppose that's the end of it then," he said, all too calmly. He turned away, facing the door. "'Night Padfoot."

"Wait, Moony," that was his pleading voice – one he couldn't resist sometimes, especially when Sirius and James were up to no good and he wasn't feeling particularly good-humored to join in and so it was left to Sirius to manipulate him like that, the way he was doing now. Merlin's pants, he'd already begun turning around, facing Sirius.

"What?" He asked warily.

"How do we give him the Talk?"

He was alarmed now. _We_, though the sort of word he used rather liberally at times, and often to refer to Sirius and himself, wasn't the word he'd like to associate with the Talk at the moment.

"I was under the impression _you _would be going to talk to him," he retorted.

"That's the thing," and his heart lurched. "See, I'm good with demonstrations and stuff, and perhaps conjuring up some images, " Sirius grinned wickedly, his dark grey eyes shining mischievously, though quickly dimmed by the grave expression on his face, "and you're brilliant at dumbing it down for people. You're the professor, see?"

This time Sirius looked at him, squarely in the eye, tempting him to oppose his grand scheme. Time to divert.

"How'd you think Harry'll feel when _we_ give him the Talk?" an amused smile lingering on his lips. "Two fully grown men, best friends since Hogwarts, one being his godfather, no less and the other his former Hogwarts Professor, Talking to him about That?"

Victory was in his hands now. He was damn sure of it.

"Hmm. You're right," Sirius scratched his chin in contemplative manner. He looked back at Remus. "I do suppose it'll be uncomfortable for him, a little bit, but the lad's got enough Gryffindor in him, surely he can take it?"

"No, Sirius," he replied, voice eerily calm. "I'd rather you talk to him in priva-"

"Why won't you come?"

His eyes widened, betraying the fear he was trying to keep wrapped under the protests. Sirius flashed a grin, now knowing exactly what Remus was feeling, and knew how to wield it against him.

"I- I- I just won't, all right?"

"You wouldn't want _me_ to explain to him now, would you?"

"That's not what I'm saying! You're the perfect person for the job!"

"Now you're not making sense, Moony," he said, smoothly.

"What do you mean, not making sense?" he asked, indignantly.

"Your logic being that I should tell him _just_ because I'm his official guardian? While you, on the other hand, are more equipped to inform him because of the academic approach you take will ensure my godson's chastity remains intact until he mates."

"Mates?" he cocked an eyebrow, a slow amused smile spreading on his lips.

"Mates," he replied firmly. It was a simpler word than settle down or get a wife, because in his opinion, the other two alternatives simply were inadequate. He just didn't like the sound of settling down, because it sounded like giving up raucous behavior, and getting a wife sounded so much like what his mother would say. Mating, however, was more… animalistic, wild, but still also something that meant a bond – a lifelong bond.

"And why is his chastity so important to you?"

"Because he's my heir see, and James' and Lily's, and yours. He can't simply just … sleep around with anyone who throws themselves at him, or fumble about it either even if he does," he added with a slight growl, narrowing his eyes just as he thought about Harry bringing home different witches every night. It just wasn't right.

Remus didn't reply, though there was a fond look in his eyes as he thought of how protective Sirius was of his godson. It was endearing, and enough to convince him that he would do it, though with a few set conditions.

"All right. I'll do it," he began, though Sirius now looked at him with a mischievous smile, "but, I'd like you to start first. I'll intervene if you get too…"

"Descriptive?"

"No… too…"

"Specific?"

"No… Padfoot, let me think, will you?"

"Nah, Moony. Just take over whenever you think it's out of control," he was chuckling now, unable to resist the idea of Remus talking to Harry about That.

"After this war, Padfoot, remember that you owe me."

"Aye, Moony. You can stay with us."

"That's not what I meant!"

"Cook breakfast, do the laundry, clean the house, go on tri-"

"Sirius Black, stop it right now. That's ridiculous. I'm not your house-elf!" He held up a warning finger, trying to keep his voice firm though his moustache twitched a little as he struggled to keep the amused smile from taking over.

"Not saying you were, since I was going to say you could come along on trips, and such," he replied haughtily.

"That's very kind of you, Padfoot, but-"

"No buts, Moony," he replied gleefully, almost in a sing-song voice. "I'd rather have you around - you're useful for talking to him about important stuff."

"Are you that incompetent of a godfather that you can't talk to Harry about important stuff?"

"Well, we could play good Auror and bad Auror with him."

"What's that?"

"I'll be the good Auror, telling him the things he can do. You're the bad 'un, stopping us from everything else."

"You're impossible, Mister Padfoot."

"As are you, Mister Moony."

"You've forgotten, I'm a Marauder too."

"So? You're not always in trouble as we were."

"So? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Sometimes, it means, you're supposed to be the bad 'uns, like us."

"All right, all right. Let it be so, then."

"You'll live with us?"

"I didn't say that."

"Please, Moony?" there, the beseeching gaze again. That pleading voice. He really should develop some sort of defense against this.

"I'll consider."

"Come on, Moony."

"I said I'll think about it, isn't that much better than a no, Padfoot?" he began to turn away, already groggy.

"Not better at all," he replied, the bitterness spilling out almost immediately. Realizing it, he kept his mouth shut, afraid to go on.

He turned back sharply, and watched as Sirius tried to keep his expression emotionless. He knew what that meant. He'd be damned if he didn't say yes.

"All right. I'll stay."

His eyes lit up in fervor. "You can share this room, with me."

He wrinkled his nose at the idea, gesturing towards the Muggle posters of bikini-clad women behind Sirius. "I'd rather not."

He shrugged nonchalantly. "Trust me, you're going to wish you're rooming with me."

"Oh?"

"Yes. That's that then, good night Moony."

It was useless getting an answer from him now.

"All right." He pulled the blanket up to Sirius' arm, covering him properly. "Good night, Padfoot." He closed his eyes, unwilling to turn away from the peaceful sight of Sirius in front of him. As though the world wouldn't hurt him anymore, and he, Remus Lupin, would make sure to that.

* * *

**A/N:** The original idea was just about them bickering about the Talk, though it grew by itself into a conversation of sorts. Set during OotP. :) One of the rare moments when Sirius is simply Sirius, before Azkaban. I quite like Remus letting his guard down enough to think frivolous thoughts. =P it's so adorable, but perhaps, in-character? i'm not sure. i tried to adhere closely to their set characters, and i hope it's okay.


End file.
